dandruff on your shoulders.

I've become a flake.

Not I'm becoming. I have become.

I am.

I've lost my sense of self worth somewhere in the last couple months and therefore it's become a matter of habit for me to bail on decisions I've made. I consistently hide behind this 'they won't miss me' mentality.

Self pity is a sin.

Pile it amidst the rest.

I have plans to go to a going away party potluck tonight for an old friend of mine who is embarking on a world traveling escapade. In the back of my mind I have plans to bail.

He won't miss me.

My perceptions of life are backwards these days. I shouldn't be thinking about people acknowledging the void that I will have left should I not show up for the plans I've made. I should care enough to follow through on the words I'm breathing into those plans.

And yet I don't.

So you can now refer to me as the flakiest flake there ever was.

Eventually it will get to me and I'll make a change. But right now, in this moment, I don't care.

Perhaps this is my subconscious ploy to destroy my conscious necessity to make said plans. But it would only be subconscious if I somehow forgot the plans, rather than making the decision to actually forego and flake on the plans. Well, I've been doing both these days. I never forget plans. Ever. That's why I've never carried a planner. Because I've been perfectly able to scribble them into my brain and follow through on them for the past couple decades. And now all of  a sudden, I am absent-minded.

I am growing. Changing. Flowering? Oh, here comes the budding young woman phase again. But wait, it seems I'm wilting, not so much flowering. Today has been a day of introspection and reflection.

There were tears.

I have changed. Morphed into something I don't want to be. I am ashamed and saddened at the fact.

I was once told that I can't truly experience Christ until I have hit rock bottom. As days go by I am beginning to believe this to be truth. For how could I truly appreciate the depth of Christ's love and sacrifice without having committed enough sins to feel the true shame. Yes, yes I was born into Sin. I know this. Freakin' Adam and Eve. But honestly I haven't tampered with sin like this before. I am learning. Growing. Changing. Forgive me for saying this, but honestly, I'm beginning to believe that everyone needs to take a walk into the darkness before they can truly absorb and reflect the light that God emits.

There will always be conflict. What will you do with it?