Welcome.

Welcome to another heavy heart day. They're far less frequent than they used to be, but nevertheless, they knock at my door more often than I'd like.

I joined in on morning devotionals with Krista and her bakery summer staff ladies. Considering I work alone in a cave that masquerades as the video suite, and I don't have any summer staff or work crew girls of my own, other people thought it might be in my best interest to invest elsewhere. My job calls for really late nights. Devos call for very early mornings. Mashed together they call for a dark and weary Sabrina.

We've been sharing life stories in devos, and when I say we've, I actually mean they've, been sharing their life stories. We all know how I get when it comes time to share my life with a group of girls. Especially three girls who grew up in Christian homes, with phenomenal families, and great communities, and abundant love and laughter. I wait until the last possible moment, which is stupid, I really should learn to just "get it over with" and go first, but alas, I do not. I'm sharing tomorrow and I'm feeling heavy. I don't want to splash my dirty past all over them. I don't want to cry in front of them. I don't want their sympathy.

I think it really just comes down to the fact that I haven't come to terms with the ways that my story has molded me. A lot of times I'm bitter. Resentful. Contemptuous. Disdainful. I hate the things that have happened to me. The things that were done to me.

I wouldn't be who I am today without those things of the past. Right?

I'm feeling dark and negative and lonely.

Welcome to another heavy heart day.