running.

Music is my savior.

God speaks to me through song. Whenever I'm having 'a moment,' I open up my itunes library, and some song, divinely inspired, will transcend all space and time, embedding itself in my heart, transforming my mind, bringing me to a place of peace once again.

Today it's three songs in succession. I Am Still Running, Only Love Remains, and Look to the Garden. Jon Foreman, JJ Heller, and Leanna Bumstead.

I'm a runner. I run. Although I have not been physically running in ages, except that humbling encounter of a few days ago, I have been running. To or from what I am not certain. I can sit here and try and define it, trying to understand it as I try to help you understand it, but regardless, I am running. Running without purpose. Running on empty.

Running into oblivion for I am lost.

For once I am not dreaming about the future. I know not what my future holds. I only know this moment that I sit inside of, here in my room, on my floor, tapping keys with fervor.

crazy.

The past couple weeks have been odd to say the least.

I've found myself enveloped in these fierce and sudden mental lapses. Literally, I will lose my mind for moments at a time, and then I will come back into consciousness. It's wildly strange. And I've never experienced anything like it. I've had absurd amounts of anxiety due to stress and my brain just floats away.

Floats away and it's terrifying because I feel like an invalid for those moments. I regress to damn near infancy. Can't function. I'm sure my face goes blank in these moments, or if nothing else, a giant smile attempts to disguise my lack of presence.

In these moments I lose all awareness. I completely lose my attention to detail. Clothes on wrong. Belt missing loops. Spilled drinks. Broken blenders. Boss demeaning always.

At times I feel I am going insane.

At times it seems my brain is hyper-active, fit to fight, wrestles with my heart a bit, and then runs away. Sometimes my heart fights back, emotions trying to defend themselves, and so my brain goes running, but not for long for thoughts are merciless.

An ever-present war rages on within my body. God please rain peace upon me. Anxiety is not my friend. Nor is stress. Send them running. Please shackle up my heart and keep it from falling into snares of discontent. Swaddle my brain in a strait-jacket for to let it run rampant is exhausting and altogether monotonous.

Please help me to remain. To remain in this moment. Present. And aware.

warbling.

I just got home from a very humbling encounter with my running shoes.

I haven't been running in ages. And I've been living the most raucous of lifestyles. Not taking care of myself in the slightest. And my attitude about life totally and completely reflects the unhealthy choices I am making.

It's the season of Lent right?

I'm a little late...consider this to be Molting Monday...my petty attempt at re-creating an Ash Wednesday so that I might be included in this grand celebration of relinquishment. I've celebrated Lent every year for awhile now...for some reason on Ash Wednesday I decided I wasn't interested.

But that was a terrible decision. I need this petty excuse to turn my life back upright. I mean Lent is not petty nor is it an excuse, those are both reflections of my attitude and where I am at in life right now. I've become a sassy, indifferent, abrasive little wench, calloused to the world. And I'm not ok with it.

I'm making a few resolutions if you'll allow me.

No alcohol.
No pot.
No soda.
Running 5 times a week.
Crying when I need to but not unnecessarily.
Forcing myself to be social in healthy atmospheres.
Cooking for myself.
Sleeping enough.

I'm going to babysit a seven month old little boy on Wednesday. And I'm so insanely excited. The maternal instincts inside of me are raging to get out again. And I can't wait to hold that little baby.

I ran four miles today and nearly collapsed.

I've nearly thrown shame and all its cohorts to the wind and the wolves, but here I am, clutching it, feeling it in my depths. I am thoroughly embarrassed of the person that I have become. Rubbing my nose in it isn't making it any better. I'm gonna go stand in the corner and think about what I've done.

The remorse is settling in.

Time for change.

biting dust.

I didn't get into grad school at Portland State.

Epic fail.

life.

I've been thinking a lot about life the past couple days. You know...life. Not the board game with the tiny pink and blue nubs of plastic that you shove into those little cars and zoom around the board on, letting cards decide whether or not you're going to be successful. No no. Like the real deal.

Because this is the only one I have, I should probably be making the most of it right?

I've had two days of solitude in which I've watched several movies, walked some blocks, dined alone, scrambled some eggs, confessed my undying love, admired some art, read some poems, showered, changed my underwear, sent some text messages, wrote a couple letters, laid in bed, oh, and slept some.

Pretty much two wasted days. Ok, maybe not totally wasted...I did clean my room and wash some dishes.

I've gone from being so strung out on life to being overwhelmingly kicked back on life.

I am a woman of extremes.

You should know this about me by now right?

I'm reading a book called The Element right now. It's about discovering your passion. Finding "your element." It's a really good book. I'm half way in, and I highly recommend it.

So here I am thinking about passions. What are mine? How do I find my element? How do I not only discover it, but survive and make money doing it?

The million dollar questions of life right?

Oh life...you're such a little elusive ball of whimsy. Your purpose so pedestrian. Get it together Sabrina. You're supposed to change the world. You better figure it out quick. You're nearly 24 and almost past the cusp of importance.

Rrright. I'm through being anxious about my purpose in life. Through being angsty and over-stressed about what I'm supposed to be doing next. Perhaps my foreseeable future DOES, in fact, only involve nannying and bartending. I'd say that's a pretty solid combo, a pretty ummm, well-rounded means of gainful employment. Wouldn't you?

I know that my life isn't so awe-inspiring as it used to be. I know I'm not off in a lowly stall humbly scrubbing a ring out of a toilet with a pumice stone like I used to write about in the days of yore. Indentured servitude summed up in a hundred or so blogs over the past year. I know I've developed some callouses in the past six months or so. I know I've become a little unconventional in my approach to life these days. I'm a little less afraid and a little more brash these days. I don't suppose I really care what people think about me anymore. And that's a good thing right? Aren't we constantly bestowing that bit of wisdom upon people anyway? Aren't we all fighting to attain that mentality?

I've sort of lost the taste for judging right from wrong. I work in a bar, a night club, with gogo dancers and high-priced liquor, with customers just seeking to get drunk and hook up, to capture that last bit of fleeting love before the brute slap of sobriety wakes them up with the sun. God opened this door and I have walked through it.

I'm not certain why He opened it yet. I ask that question as I walk through it every night for work. But until I am called elsewhere, I will continue to ask it, and continue to walk through it, because I believe there is purpose in all that I do, in all that I am, in all of my breaths, and all of my words. Otherwise, I wouldn't be here I suppose.

So those are my thoughts on life in this moment. God is good, and I am still seeking.

ok.

Pressing onward, pushing every hindrance aside...

Every hindrance, including this wretched cold that is wreaking havoc upon my feeble body.

Congestion is winning. Pummeling my sinuses, battering my lungs. The aches leech energy out of me slowly, until I am a limp lump lying on the floor.

I haven't been this sick in some time.

But I am pressing onward.

The good never left. It was there all along, as was the light shining behind the door I so foolishly closed.

My brain is fuzzy and there is a whiny noise in my ears. I'm having a hard time paying attention and there is tissue stuffed up my nose. The room is dark and the covers are warm. I'm in the middle of Dumb and Dumber and dreading work in the morning. Perhaps I'll call in...

I am sick you know.