My Utmost.

I just read this and had to share...

"The teaching of Jesus hits us where we live. We cannot stand as humbugs before Him for one second. He educates us down to the scruple. The Spirit of God unearths the spirit of self-vindication; He makes us sensitive to things we never thought of before."

Chew on that for a second.

Oh Oswald...how I delight in thee.

Humbug. Scruple. And self-vindication. All in the same paragraph. Now that's talent.

A humbug is a person partaking in false or deceptive behavior. And in case you were wondering, humbuggery is a word as well.

A scruple is a feeling of doubt or hesitation. Not to be confused with scrupulous, which means extremely attentive to details.

And self-vindication, well that's to clear yourself of blame and suspicion.

I just love words. I love words that have become obsolete. The ones people never use anymore. That's what I love about Mr. Chambers. Not only does he get me to use my noggin since I have to read through his thoughts a couple times to understand them, but he's creative, and he pulls words out of his pocket that I have to plug into my dashboard dictionary.

Love itttt. Hope you do as well.

As promised.

Parents playing at camp. Masquerading as adult guests.

Necessary words before the big dunk.

Belief makes things real.

Another year.

My precious Lily.

Those I hold dearest.

Immersed.

As I sit in my room alone, plucking grapes and popping the juicy morsels into my eager mouth, I am reminiscent of all that has happened in this twenty-second year of mine.

Yup. Tis the eve of my twenty-third birthday. Twenty-three seems like a hugely insignificant age to turn, and yet, I think I might treasure this birthday more than all those others combined. Largely because I am determined to pay homage to a year that no one ever does, but also because this year has been monumental in this wobbly life of mine. As I bring in twenty-three, I celebrate all the growth, refinement, redemption, renovation, and healing that occurred in twenty-two.

I got baptized on the twenty-third day of this month. Seems only fitting that I would be turning twenty-three in this same month. God is so silly like that.

I'd been contemplating baptism for years. But it just never felt right. Felt right, as in the Holy Spirit wasn't nudging me to hop in the water just yet.

And then July happened and I felt the nudge. I actually knew since the moment Krista got dunked with all her family present in June, that I was supposed to go under in July when all my family was present.

I heard it. And I listened.

The day was perfect. The location was perfect. The company was perfect.

God really is just too good.

And I left those things, those sticky quotes from satan, under the water. I did. And it feels magical. I haven't smiled this much. I haven't laughed this hard. I haven't felt this confident. This light. This free. Ever.

I'll include pictures when I have more reliable internet. Which will be tomorrow. So hang tight.

And so I say goodnight.

Be radical. Think revolutionary. Just imagine.

Goin' Under.

Oh heyyyyyy!!!

I feel like it's been awhile. Has it been awhile? Yeah, I think it has. Anywho, just wrappin' up another week here in the video suite and it's definitely been a doozy. Not quite sure how you spell doozy, but that's my best attempt.

I love my job, I really do, but there are moments, brief moments, when I would like to scream and kick some kiddies in the shins. I'm just being honest here friends. This week I had kids actually grab me and whip me around. Yes, firm grip on the right shoulder followed by a swift pull and a "hey camera-lady get me get me." I'm ok with you not taking the half a second to read my name tag and refer to me by name. I'm even ok with you not asking nicely, with your demanding. I am not, however, ok with you grabbing my body so that you can get a moment on the big screen. I'm a person. Yes, I may have an infant sized growth coming out of my right hand that documents the life you live at camp, but I am still a person.

Enough of that. I'm choosing to rejoice in the moments when I'm most perturbed. They are children. They don't know any better, right?

It's night 6. The last night 6 of the summer. High school camp will be over mid day tomorrow. And then the tweenies get here. Hoorayyyy middle school. I'm quite excited, although I'm certain these children will be even less aware of my personal bubble than the high schoolers. And so I prepare myself now. For the chaos. For the awkward. For the discomfort. For all the fun that comes with junior highers. Should be interesting.

And onto wadin' in the wadah.

I'm getting baptized tomorrow and I've been asked what I'm going to leave under the water. And since that question was posed, my heart has been a bit tumultuous. There's been a whole lotta years filled with a whole lotta lies that I've clung to from my past. Clung to them for fear of what might happen if I started speaking out against them.

It's my choice. I have the option. I can continue to harvest these wrongs in my heart. Continue believing untruths that only serve to aid in my demise. Or I can leave them under the water.

But I'm having a hard time believing in the "once and for all" of this matter. But I am willing. I am willing to cast them away, and prayerfully banish them from my life, hoping they won't leech their way back in.

And what are the lies I'm leaving behind you ask?

Coming from the mouth of Satan himself,

"Your opinion, your words don't matter. Your feelings are not valid. You're not smart enough. You're not faithful enough. And you're certainly not pretty enough. You will become addicted. You will. You will never marry. You will never bear children. Your parents don't love you. They never have. If you only knew what people think about you. If you only knew how unworthy you are. You are dirty. Defiled. There's nowhere to hide from the shame you wear like a cloak. You will never be thin enough. Or fit enough. Your height. Your height is despicable. Giant. Behemoth. Beast."

You've read all about the abuse of my past. The addiction that floods my family ties. The hurt. The sadness. The inability to communicate. The putrid unhealthiness. It reeks. And so I'm ready to wash it away.

I've been hating myself the past couple weeks because all I want is for God to be enough for me. I am enough for Him. Why can't He be enough for me? Why must I keep seeking after boys. After acceptance. After adventure. After dreams. All I gotta do is seek after God.

And so as I come up out of the water tomorrow, a new creation, I am determined to leave behind the lies, and devote myself to believing the truths.

A day doesn't go by where I don't think about my life after this place. I'm reading a book called Crazy Love right now and I just finished a book called Same Kind of Different as Me. Both talk about living as a radical. Defying the luke-warm and challenging the social boundaries that are built between the haves and the have nots. I can't wait to be without shelter. Dwelling in the presence of society's untouchables. Sharing stories. Sharing food. Sharing love.

I'm scared out of my mind. But as I cast off my coat of deceit in the river tomorrow, so I clothe myself with compassion, and faith like I've never had it before.

Seeking like I've never sought. Ready or not, here I come.

Pop Up Video.

It's 8 am. I've been up since 5:45am. Went to bed at nearly 1am last night. I am a zombie. And that's ok. For now.

So many thoughts like poppers in my brain.

First, God is good. On the real.

Second, I cannot, I repeat, cannot wait, until I can afford to buy a Canon EOS 5D Mark II so that I can dive into boundless chasms of video production. I spent about 30 minutes cognitively drooling over music videos last night. That's weird you say. Cognitive drooling? Yeah, my brain was so in awe of the creativity and time and phenomenal ingenuity that went into some of these videos. And I can't wait until I have the equipment and the time to do likewise. But for now, I drool.

This one's my favorite.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V2fpgpanZAw

followed closely by this one

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qybUFnY7Y8w&feature=channel

Seriously, soooo rad.

Someday Sabrina. Someday.

But for now, I make camp videos. People tell me they're good, but I don't have nearly the amount of time I would like to put into them in order to make them great. Nor do I have the knowledge yet. But as my brain drools, so it devours. I am learning so much every day. Feed meeeee.

I entered another writing contest. This essay is just a tad more emotionally charged than the one about thai food from weeks ago. Just a tad. You can vote for it very simply. Just click this link...

http://www.facebook.com/pages/Scinti/364807221096

and then click the like button at the top of the page. Once you've done that, scroll down to my essay Gunnysack and click the like button again, but only if you really like it.

If you don't like the Scinti page first, there won't be a like button under my essay. So like Scinti.

Life is good. Heart is warm. Jami and Johnny come in one weeeeeeek. Eeeeek.

PS. Do you guys remember VH1's Pop Up Video?! Oh man. Good times.

Being.

How often do you get the chance to sit still? To just sit...or lay, in my current case, and just be.

Heart is full today.

I prayed in my outside voice alone by the river today.
I was encouraged by a camper today.
I had a brief but fruitful video tutorial today.
I was complimented on my vocabulary today.
I felt deeply loved today.

And for those I am thankful.

And now I lay. I lay in silent revelry.

Classic Soul.

Can I just rave about how awesome my job is once again...I don't really have a life outside of it right now so it's really all I have to talk about. Seriously, my job is sooooo sick. Sickity sick. Like so sick that no medication could tame this ailment.

This week is legit. Session 1. Week 3. These kids have sooooo much energy. It's surreal. It's our smallest group yet, but numbers have absolutely no effect on the amplitude of the environment. It's magical. This is what I live for. Eeeyayahhhh.

I filmed club last night from the catwalk above and I wish I had the right to post a clip of what I caught. 600 kids waving their arms in perfect unison to Train's Hey Soul Sister. Seriously, magical.

This morning's event was field games. Field games culminating in a crud war. My highlights of this event include, but are not limited to, Dizzy Bat bails and getting slapped upside the head with indistinguishable wet slop. I get to be a camper every weeeeeek. Gaaahhhhhhh. So fun.

I must admit, I was terrified before summer started. So many qualms. So much apprehension. I'd never done anything video...aside from the Bryner wedding just a couple weeks prior to the shotgun start of summer. I was expecting to fail...when you expect the worst, you get a pleasant surprise when things settle in nicely. Right?

My pockets really aren't deep enough to hold all the kind words, the affirmations, the encouragements that are fluttering down upon me. I've been showered with so many "you're doing such a great job"s, "I'm so impressed"s, "I can't believe you've never done this before"s. Praise be to God...thanks Jesus for using me in such a fun and enchanting way. I sit and revel in the mighty ways God is at work.

My heart is changing. My life is changing. With confidence continuously stacking up in my basket, I'm learning how to believe in myself like I never have before. I am capable.

With every day that passes, I get more and more excited about my adventures of the future. In three months I'm moving back to Santa Barbara. Moving back to Santa Barbara to be without shelter. I think I'll be starting a new blog once I arrive. One that captures all the moments of uncertainty. The moments under the stars. The moments with strangers, stacking bricks on this faithful foundation. I want to seek God in a raw and vulnerable state. I want to get away from comfort and dive into deep caverns of uneasiness. And amidst the vagrancy, I'll be planning my year long road trip.

I think I've scrapped the PCT dream. Momentarily. Perhaps I'll hike it with my husband one day, but for now I'm about marathons and trippin' on road. I've talked to you guys a lot about this wild dream of mine. This wild dream to run 50 marathons in 50 states in 50 weeks. Well, I continue to be prayerful about it and I think that with working 3, possibly 4, jobs for 8 months to a year, I'll have the cash flow saved up to support this endeavor. That's not to say that I'm not going to seek sponsors and raise awareness about what I'm running for.

Every Sunday is race day. During the week, meaning every day but raceday, I'll be volunteering myself alllll ovvverrrr the country. Part of my planning will involve calling up all kindsa organizations asking if I can be of service. I think I'm going to take a public speaking class at city college so I can start speaking at different events and conventions and such. Everyday I'm learning how to be more comfortable with sharing my story and all I really want to do is be a portal, transporting children, children of addiction, into a place where they can experience the raw and abundant love of Christ. I want to get tons of neon tanks screen-printed with Livin' Lyfe Loudly in big black letters on the front...with Breakin' the Cycle Proudly on the back.

We're bout to get rull deep and rull sullen right now.

At camp this session they've been doing life signs. Five people from the assignment team throw themselves back in time and share what they were like back in high school. It's super powerful and as if that wasn't enough, the kids are shown a PostSecret video and encouraged to scrawl their own secret on a 3 x 5 card and throw it into the outgoing mail box. The cards are then photographed and a slideshow is played at the next life signs session. At the last life signs, there's cardboard testimonies in which all the leaders put a simple phrase of how they felt before they met the Lord and then they flip it over to show who they are now in Christ. It's soooooooo powerful. Then the speaker, Bill Paige, pulls out a cross with all the kids secrets nailed to it.

All this to say, that reading over these cards the past couple weeks has broken my heart and opened my eyes. It's unreal how many high school kids have attempted or have contemplated suicide. How many kids have used sex, drugs, and alcohol to cope with the loneliness. How many kids were raped, abused, emotionally traumatized. How many kids hate their parents. How many kids hate the world. How many kids cut themselves, burn themselves. How many kids feel ugly, unworthy, not good enough. I can see myself in the pretend faces these kids put on. I desperately want to run around the country testifying against the enemy.

And so I dream as days go by, dream about life after the canyon.

But as often as I dream, I continue to float back to the present. I'm only in this place for a brief time now and I want to absorb all that I can. As I often as I think about the future, I can't wrap my mind around life without this community, life without these skyscapes, life without camp.

So I sit in my suite and think about seasons. Seasons of life. Seasons of love. Dancing with hazy lazy absolute delight in Jesus Christ Himself.