The Adventurist: I'm On A Float (Floatopia 2009)

Floatopia. It freckled the lips of not only the students of UCSB, but the local high school kids, the Isla Vista vagrants, and random others from all over the grand state of California. It's now been deemed UCSB's Halloween of the Spring. For those of you who have never experienced Halloween in Isla Vista (the most densely populated square mile west of the Mississippi), you don't know the havoc you're missing. Youtube it.

So Floatopia was nothing short of the wildest thing I have ever seen in my whole entire life. Thanks to Facebook, a grand total of over 13,000 people populated the event. April 4th, 2009 will go down in history as the Floatopia to end all Floatopias. So let me break it down for you. I'm not pretending I'm proud of this event, because I'm not. I just have to let you in on the ludicrosity of all that is UCSB, soon to be my Alma Mater. Floatopia is just as it sounds...like Autopia at Disneyland or Dinotopia from childhood, only this topia involves floats, rafts if you will. Hundreds of them.

Me and my friends Genna, Caitlyn, and Lilah arrive in IV at about 3ish and actually miraculously find a parking spot on DP. If you know anything about Del Playa, you know this is ridiculously lucky but could also end up being absolutely horrific. We take the closest beach access point and as we hit the sand our eyes are pummeled by the sights ahead. In the distance we can see the horrendous crowd composed of thousands upon thousands of drunk people and there are boats and floats polka-dotted all over the ocean. We walk towards it, not really knowing if we are ready for this adventure. I had never been to Floatopia before and since this is my senior year I decided I needed to check it out.

Before we know it, we are in the midst of the mayhem. There are random frisbees landing everywhere, people trying to carry their rafts over my head, and people falling all over themselves and others everywhere. We search endlessly for a place to sit and finally we just curl up in this tiny spot of open sand just below the 65 block of DP right near the beach access point. This ends up being the perfect spot for all the action.

So first thing I took note of was the insane amount of people trying to get up and down the stairs at the beach access point. There were so many people trying to move that they ended up in a gridlock and no one could go anywhere, so literally people started to scale the cliff trying to get off the beach. Treacherous. Two people ended up falling off the cliff, one was in critical condition, but no one died this year. That's a milestone to document.

Second thing to note, the wild girl in the hot pink bathing suit dancing on the apex of the roof. She was literally straddling the rooftop doing a stripper dance for the entire time I was on the beach, grand total of about 3 1/2 hours. Girl certainly got her work out for the day and that wasn't all she got. She was wearing a string bikini so of course drunk guys on the roof with her are going to pull her strings right? Right. I can't count how many times her boobs were nearly exposed. This girl was wild. Finally she put on a shirt and then took her top off underneath and was swinging it around. So ridiculous! Everyone on the beach below was watching, waiting, ad watching some more. I couldn't count how many open mouthed boys there were standing around me. Great job girl. You really worked the crowd.

Third thing, there were seriously some of the coolest rafts I had ever seen in my life. Rafts that looked like they were made especially for Floatopia. There were 20 person inner tubes, ones with slides, butterfly shaped ones, double decker ones, and I even saw a floating cooler. It had cup holders on the outside with the "soda" in the middle. So wild!

Fourth thing to note, the over-zealous homeless people scavenging for cans all over the beach. They were like kids at an Easter egg hunt. They seriously had a field day. I know this is terrible but it was actually quite comical to watch them literally taking cans from mouths.

I was seriously blown away at how crazy this adventure was. The amount of people and liquor was baffling. Apparently something like 63 citations were issued and 15 people were arrested. Several people went to the emergency room for deep cuts due to broken glass bottles. Needless to say I will never forget Floatopia '09. I don't think anything could surpass it. Except maybe Floatopia '09 part deuce happening May 9th...although I'm not sure who decided that date because it's Mother's Day weekend you dimwit. Although, I was told to invite my mom. She would probably enjoy it far too much.

I've also heard a rumor that Cal Poly is trying to start their own version of Floatopia that they will deem Slotopia. Good luck suckaaaaaas!!!

I'm on a float motha f***a don't you ever foooorgettt!!

This is my very own video...