saggy crotch collars and belligerent wig hair.

I gave up. Gave in. Threw in the towel on the toilet paper boycott brigade.

I caved and bought toilet paper. But only because I was having guests over and didn't want to subject them to the Kleenex calamity that I'd resorted to in my stubbornness.

I made it, or should I say we made it, a grand total of 5 days without toilet paper in our bathroom. Don't ask me how they did it, because I still don't know.

In other news, some chick named Sabrins is officially considered faculty at Harding University Partnership School.

No matter how official a nametag photo ID and lanyard may be, they are null and void if the name is mis-spelled. Typically people forget the 'e' in my last name, which is a little bit easier to overlook. But 'Sabrins?' Really? Like really?

Whatever, I'll take it. 

Today is Halloween. I was Clifford this morning and a gumball machine last weekend.

I've always chosen the road less slutty when it comes to Halloween costumes. My friend Kellie is also exceptionally conservative compared to most women walking downtown during Halloween festivities. I think a grand total of about 4 people could tell what I was. Several men thought I was a character from Mario Kart, and another thought I was a hot air balloon. I think it's pretty obvious, no?

I took several pictures of my students this morning because you really can't beat elementary school costumes when it comes to adorability. Well babies and toddlers are pretty cute too, but first graders take the cake I think. But alas, due to liability and lawsuit, I cannot post them. There were several Spidermans and princesses of course. My favorite might have been the Rapunzel with the copious amounts of blonde wig hair in her face all day. The poor girl was struggling all day to wiggle that nappy wig into place but it was belligerent and hysterical. And anything with a full body suit is just classic. There were many. Their little bodies are just so cute in their onesies. Spiderman, alligator, skeleton, and samurai onesies. There was a second grade teacher that had a full body "Big Hungry Caterpillar" costume that was epic. Apparently her husband sews. I can't tell you how magnificent this costume was. I wish I could bestow a photo upon you, but alas, I did not take one. Utterly bummed about that one. Fail.

One of my housemates won $200 bucks in a costume contest today. He works for Toyota and apparently was offered $50 bucks just for dressing up. Well his costume is beyond genius. It's slightly awkward with the saggy crotch collar and the denim crotch hole head popping out, but it's pure creative brilliance and I wish I could say that it was my idea. And it didn't cost any money. The best kind of costume.

Upside Down Man takes the cake. Go Andy. Jealous of the extra $200 bucks in your upside down pocket.

In case this isn't proof, I live with really cool people. Aside from that one minor hygiene flaw, you know those two boyz that don't wipe they're butts, they're all remarkably wonderful. I laugh a lot. We're a family here and it's evident. 

And aside from the overload of financial and academic stress that I'm stuck under, life is good, and I am happy.

single white female.

I've got a question.

And I need some answers.

If one woman shares a bathroom with two men, and those two men together wipe only half as much as one woman, does that automatically require the one woman to purchase any and all toilet paper for said shared bathroom?

I've been using Kleenex for the past three days.

I am boy-cotting. More like waiting it out. To see how long these two boys, excuse me men, will go without wiping their asses.

Like I said, it's been three days, and I sit here tittering in my room. Do they hop in the shower? Are they using Kleenex too? Paper towels? Or are they just drive-by dropping the kids off at the pool?

Nasties.

See how I find my amusement these days.

In other news, I ran from some zombies this past weekend. Yes, it's true. I did a 5k mud run called Run For Your Lives in Temecula. I was given a flag belt, a bib, and a corral with three divisions entitled Appetizers, Entrees, and Desserts. Of course I chose to be the main course. Little did I know that the entire first mile of the course would be a mountain. Piss poor planning. We were all walking. This is the worst zombie run ever! And then we hit the downhill, and the infestation.

I screamed a lot. Lost a few flags. Found a flag. Laughed at the absurdity. Crawled in some mud. Suffered a few electric shocks. Flailed down a slide into a pool of sloppy germ water. Huddled in a ball in a giant black room face to face with a zombie saying "I don't like this" until he chose someone else to pick on. And laughed a lot.

If you ever get the chance to pay $80 to get chased by zombies, just do it. Seriously. I know that's a disgusting amount of money, but unless you're looking to get into it with someone on bath salts, I suggest you opt for this route to feed the zombie fix.

In still other news,

I bought an ipad. And I'm obsessed with it. I take it to bed with me every night. TED talks and Temple Run are my lullabies. I guess that's why I haven't been sleeping well these nights.

Something is wrong with me.

Not only do I suffer from tiny bladder syndrome and have to pee about 17 times before I fall asleep. (Maybe I should be purchasing all the toilet paper). I have toss and turn, brain whirring syndrome. I'm not ok with it. I wish there was a switch to turn off all thought. Seriously.

In the past 72 hours I also...

1. Registered to vote. About 2.7 hours before the deadline.
2. Got my car broken into. Don't worry, they were fooled by my decoy empty purse on the back seat. I, however, was fooled into paying $115 for a new window. Who's the bigger ass? You be the judge.
3. Witnessed a full grown human littering out their car window. Who really does that anymore? This is one of my "bumper car" situations (one of those times where I wish we all drove bumper cars so we could ram people whenever we disagree with their actions...most often when they don't use their blinkers, but also when they act like massive tools and litter).
4. Decided to be Clifford the Big Red Dog for the book character costume parade at my elementary school on Halloween.
5. Clarified that the tacos at Jack in the Box are not, in fact, made with soy. (I asked. At the drive thru window. Luckily the nice young girl taking my order was vegetarian as well. The interaction was comical to say the least).
6. Impulsively and quite drunkenly cut all ties with my ex-boyfriend.
7. Played telephone pictionary with my closest friends and family in which a porcupine eating pickles on a pogo stick turned into hairy areolas. Welcome to my inappropriate family.
8. Taught a chaotic lesson about cooperation to 24 first graders that I thoroughly enjoyed. Controlled chaos is the best sort of learning environment. I thrive on it.
9. Played basketball for the first time in 2 1/2 years. Yes, I missed a lay-up shot three times in a row, but later I did get fouled into an and-one situation. Ok, so the and-one didn't make it on the board but still, making a basket while getting fouled is quite an accomplishment. Thinking about signing up as a free agent here in SB. Possible man candy on the horizon.


So there you have it. My online dating profile in a nutshell.

A single and mingling Big Red Dog with bumper car tiny bladder syndrome. Often misses baskets, draws alliterative pogo stick pictures, while running from zombies, and avoiding meat. And yes, she's registered to vote. Appreciate her approach at growing up and being a valid contribution to society.

The end.

ask yourself.

I've gone veg.

Yes, it's true.

I gave up meaty products precisely two weeks ago.
Fiber overload.
I've never pooped so much in my whole life. TMI?

Too bad.

I ran a marathon three days ago.
My legs are like pipe cleaners, rigid yet bendy. Manipulated by the muscles inside that are taut and angry. But wiggly and wobbly, wiry in their obstinance.

I just made up a word.
Did you catch it?

Apparently obstinance is not a real word but my mind was convinced that it was. Therefore it is.

I shovel fruity goo and clif bars into my face over the course of 26.2.
Miles of moist skin rubbing. Beware of chaffage. I ban thee with Body Glide (just glamorized Vaseline).
Water and sweat drip down my back as the sun strikes my eyes into submission. Gaze fixed on the pavement my feet strike 8 million times.
A 10 yr old boy and a barefoot man beat me.

I cut in front of an hour's worth of people to pound pasta at Olive Garden the night before. My conscience chewed on those carbs for 12 minutes before it gave up and fell into compliance beneath the bottomless bowl that only costed $9.95.
Sorry people with your blankets waiting outside patiently for your buzzer to go off.
My friends called it karma.
I still call it cutting.

We landed in Vegas after the race. Teased hair and heels leashed us up and led us out onto the strip. I sat down in line at a club and was asked by the nicely dressed line-man to stand up. I only did what he asked because he gave us 72 drink tickets and a front row seat to the freak show.

I turned around to find this sweeping the dust at my feet...

Umm...yeah. I think Lady GaGa must have been sitting behind the plate glass windows snickering at us common folk as we spilled our drinks in shock.

This photo was taken just before the sitting down in line incident. Heels and extensive walking after having just run a marathon are comparable to hordes of tiny leprechauns stabbing you repeatedly with thumb tacks.

This is not an exaggeration.

Be impressed that I can still smile.

I've run 11 marathons in 9 different states. Only 41 left to go bitchezzzz.

The z's make it less offensive. I promise.

Today I administered a phonological awareness survey to a first grader. When he got one wrong he said "damn it." I didn't know how to respond.

Not only are they cursing, they're kissing. Over the past two weeks I've gotten repeated tattles regarding the k word. Boys kissing girls. Girls kissing boys. Boys kissing boys. And girls kissing girls. There's no discrimination in first grade.

I sent a giant unicorn to Washington today. I hope he makes it there safely.

I think I ate about 4 pounds of vegetables today. I've never felt better.

Read Skinny Bitch. It will change your life.
Then read Slaughterhouse.
I dare you to get informed.
Enlightened.

When you look up from the mind-blowing facts about the food you're shoving into your body, there I'll be with a broom and dustpan, a creepy mask, and robotic demeanor, slowly tilting my head back and forth.

Do you really love meat that much?