Unstable.

I'm too emotional.

I'm reading a book called the Emotionally Healthy Church and my emotions, there's just too many of them. And they're too intense for my liking. Sometimes I wish I could rip them out of my heart, individually, and set them on a shelf. That I could go visit them when I want to feel them, and not when I don't want to. I could check out the exact one I want to feel at the exact time. Like checking out books from the library. Wouldn't that be nice?

So my question is how do I become emotionally healthy when I can't control my emotions? I can't get a grip. And my condition, I'm gonna call it a condition because it's not quite a disease yet, nor is it an ailment, it's a condition because at this point it can be a good and a bad thing, my condition has too much power over me. Just a few words can have the power to dramatically shoot my mood, up or down. It goes both ways.

I would say I'm on an emotional roller coaster, but that's just a little too cliche for my liking...so we're gonna go with an emotional mechanical bull. And I can't hold on tight enough to remain stable in this life of mine.

Different people in my life have the ability to turn up the speed on the bull. It bucks faster and my one hand isn't strong enough to keep the grip. Not even two hands could sustain me. So I plummet off the bull, into late nights alone weeping in my bed.

Other people have the ability to slow the bull down. Slow it down so I can maintain my balance, causing feelings of pure elation, pride. Helping me feel like I can do this. I am capable. Their words stack up confidence, freedom, prestige, and poise. They make me feel worthy.

But just when I get comfortable, someone comes along and cranks it up a notch. My flailing heart tries desperately to hold on, but alas, there's no stability, there's no rhythm. And so it careens off into the darkness, along with this weak and insufficient body of mine.

Things don't always go your way.

People are gonna say things that hurt.

Grab your riding gloves and hold on tight.

It's a long and exhausting ride...and maybe someday the people that slow it down, will beat the people that speed it up.

And someday I'll get a grip.

But for now I cry out to the Lord to pick me up off the ground, dust me off, pick me up, and cradle me in His arms.

I can't get back on the bull just yet.