The majesty of jellyfish and seahorses.

Do you ever have those times in life where you feel like you're in a snowglobe glued to the hands of a small child that won't stop shaking it? That's how I've felt since I landed back in America just over two weeks ago. I have had absolutely no time to let the flakes of my life settle.

So here I am, in Carmel by the sea, letting my flakes settle.

So I got back to America and the night I landed my car got broken into...you know how I wrote that fat blog about getting my joy back...well I'm quite sure that as I was writing those words, some really fun person was breaking my car window, relaxing, having a cigarette in my front seat, and deciding to take my fat life collection of cds. Which is a testament to the fact that each and every one of us has a decision to make in every circumstance. We decide how we are going to react in the face of everything that happens to us. I admit, I was quite bummed that I had to buy a new window, but alas, at least I have a car to break into. There's always a bright side. No matter which way you twirl it.

From landing in San Francisco that Thursday night to the treacherous drive to Riverside, after having no sleep the previous night, to quick goodbyes to family, to spending a rapid week and a half in Santa Barbara, wrapping up loose ends and enduring the hardest of farewells, to endless miles on the open road on the way to Oregon, one thing remains the same, and that's the realization that joy is always present, it's a matter of altering your mentality so that you become aware of it.

I'm not gonna lie, I've had some really hard moments these past couple weeks where I have seriously doubted God and this absurd plan He has for me in chucking me into the middle of nowhere in central Oregon. Spending 10 days living on the Mesa in Santa Barbara in a house with five gorgeous, wonderful, exuberant Jesus loving YoungLife leading gals might have been a poor decision on my behalf. I coveted, I envied, and I doubted. I realized how much I desperately wanted to live in that house and keep my pleasant life in Santa Barbara. But alas, that's not the master plan. So I pried my hands and heart off the people I love in that place and said goodbye to what has been my home, my haven, my playground, and my spiritual garden for the past four years. I'm off to the Northwest where it rains and it's cold and there's not a grocery store within an hour radius.

I left Santa Barbara Thursday midmorning and after crying for about a half hour I plummeted into a somber and somewhat blank and dejected mood. I drove from SB to Riverside where something magical happened. I wasn't planning on going back home home before my trip but boy is it a good thing I did. I had one last night with my family, one last night to feel warm and to truly enjoy the presence of the people I love with all my heart. My sister came over after school and I got to have homemade tacos around the table with my family and laugh and play Boggle and just be. It was simply magical. And the perfect way to start my epic journey to Oregon.

I left Riverside Friday at noon. I drove to Malibu to go visit a couple of my YoungLife girls that just graduated high school and are now freshmen at Pepperdine. Another magical moment. I watched these girls grow from girls into beautiful young women and there's something majestic about reflecting on that. I had lunch at the caf with them...epic. And we just talked and laughed and they told me stories about their college lives and I got to see their dorms and I felt like a proud little mama.

I stopped in Santa Barbara for a brief moment on my way up to San Luis Obispo. I drove the streets of downtown one last time and picked up my new phone, since my other one was defective...and hit the open road again, destination SLO.

Stayed the night in SLO with my best friend Chrissy and she grilled up the most amazing hamburgers I've had in a long time. Thanks Faf.

Saturday morning I hit the road, destination Salinas. I took the 1 all the way up and I wish I could use the words breath-taking and gorgeous without being cliche, in order to describe the views. Besides the beaches of New Zealand, I've never seen anything like it. I've lived in Southern California pretty much my whole life and the beaches of SoCal can never compare to the beaches of Central California. Glamorous. Stunning. God has a keen eye for attraction. I couldn't keep my eyes on the road.

I nearly ran out of gas and had to stop at a little station in Big Sur, where I reluctantly paid 3.86 a gallon for gas. I only bought 3 gallons. Enough to get me to Brent's house in Salinas.

Which brings me to my next adventure. I arrived in a valley with a view of Steinbeck's famous Castle Rock. The house was out of a storybook and the family was beautiful and overwhelmingly hospitable.

So I met Brent through some YoungLife friends earlier this year when they were on a road trip and they all stayed at my house. He returned the favor 10 fold. I got a little bit lost on the way to his house even though he supplied me with superb directions. He walked out to the road to help me out. I got a quick tour of his beautiful home and then we headed out to eat.

Henry's BBQ. On Lighthouse Ave in Monterey. Go there. The tri-tip is astounding and the service is staggering. Our waitress Miss Shelly was the sweetest little thing. She made sure I had everything my little heart desired, and then some. Brent and I caught up on life and then we booked it to the Monterey Bay Aquarium where we had just under an hour to enjoy the depths of the ocean. Jellyfish and seahorses have become my new obsession. I used to love unicorns. I still do. But I think I'm a little more captivated by these creatures that actually exist. There was a leafy seahorse that looked like he was trying really hard to be a plant. I was almost convinced. After petting a sea cucumber and watching male seahorses give birth our hour was up.

Brent continued to re-iterate how I picked the worst weekend to come visit...not only had he been up all night the previous night for a church lock-in, but it's Monterey's Cherry's Jubilee car show all weekend. The streets were flooded with middle aged men with their priceless car creations and women, children, oh and more middle aged men, drooling all over them. Fantastically entertaining. Someday I will restore a car of my own.

After oogling the cars, we went back to his pretty house for game night with the cousins. I learned how to play Pit, a game where you trade commodities in order to obtain a corner on the market. Brent's a finance guy. Seems fitting. We played some Cranium of course and we won with a Cameo Club Cranium...answer was lavalamp. And then I learned how to play Farkle, which is a rather mundane game of dice.

I had a glamorous guest bedroom with a bed fit for a princess. Haven't slept that well in ages. Woke up to the sunlight streaming in my window, which on any other day would have been a nuisance, but today I appreciated it, considering the view of the valley was staggering.

Had french toast and eggs this morning, breakfast of champions, or tall blonde roadies headed off on another big day of adventure. I went to church this morning with Lauren Adams, my fun friend that I went to India with. She's up visiting her pops in Monterey so I got to bid farewell to her after she dropped me in Carmel. My current location.

And that's the road trip thus far. Tonight I'm driving to Walnut Creek. Tomorrow heading across the state to Tahoe, then Reno, then hopefully through the Redwood Forest and on up the Oregon Coast and then into Corvallis by Tuesday night.

I've yet to determine where I'm staying Monday night. Should be pretty epic. I might sleep on top of my car on the side of the highway. Nothing like sleeping under the stars in a land of uncertainty. That's one thing I learned in the past 24 hrs. Brent was a fantastic host, but he repeatedly stated that he wasn't ever sure of directions....which was great. He was humble and honest and I just learned again that life is littered with uncertainties. And that's a great thing. Why do we ever need to be certain? The best days, the best moments, the most memorable instances always occur off the cuff. The details become alive when they're not printed in perfect penmanship in your daily planner. Brent, I wish I would have made you stop at that park. I'm regretting it now but how fun would that have been to go play on the playground that you grew up exploring. That's what life's about...unveiling the mysteries that live within adventure. I'm convinced. If you can reap anything from this wordy and all too drawn out online diary of mine, it's that you all have dreams. Make them real. A wise man once said, If you can dream it, you can do it. His name was Walt Disney and we all know where that statement got him...so heed his advice. Life's too short to not do the things we love and love the things we do.

Time to go lay on the beach in glorious Carmel. See you all on the other side of the rainbow.

Blogging just to blog.

So...tonight was going to be my last official night out in Santa Barbara. I'm moving to Oregon next next Wednesday and I wanted to have a last night out on the town...so much for that.

This leads to that and that leads to drama central and needless to say, me and two of my best friends are not speaking to each other. Oh how I love a good night out on the town. It definitely doesn't end like this one just did.

But I did learn a lesson...a lesson about humility. I really thought that I had been humbled to my max while I was in India...but of course there's always room for more. I learned that the word stubborn should be erased from the dictionary. That way...maybe people won't know what it is, and that way they can't use it as an excuse...myself included. Stubborn is never a good quality to have...so let's just all agree to draw a line through it, throw it off a cliff, stab it in the back and make it nonexistent....because it's not worth it. If I've learned anything from tonight, it's that your ego, your pride, your incessant willingness to be stubborn...is not worth it.

Seriously.

And now I'm going to bed...sad and alone...because the word stubborn does indeed exist and therefore, people insist on grasping tightly to it...and for what?

Can anyone answer that question and then turn around and look themselves in the face and feel proud of what they just said...no, because stubborn is stupid. And therefore, it should be erased.

Good night.

Jet Hyped

I'm back in America safely. And I'd like to think that I'm the opposite of jet lagged right now...I'm definitely jet hyped. I can't sleep and it's definitely 3:45 in the morning. In India it's 4:15 in the afternoon.

I can't stop thinking. Sometimes I really despise my wandering mind. You know what's consuming my thoughts right now? Let me just be honest...I'm wallowing in a little thing called euphoria. Not only am I back home safely but I just experienced the true vastness of God's love to an extent I never could have imagined.

All of my biggest struggles in life have to do with my inability to utterly and truly believe in the depth of God's love...for me. People tell me time and time again and I've read it countless times, but I've never been able to truly absorb it...until now. Going to India and getting to witness the inescapable vastness of our God's love has changed me. And I just feel like dancing. But it's now 3:54 in the morning and there are three sleeping girls a wall away from me...so I can't possibly dance...so I'm writing, my second favorite thing to do.

I just gave the most overwhelming and passionate speech about my trip. It was powerful enough to convert atheists into believers. It made people weep. And it ended with tons of people begging to be monthly donors to the ministry of YoungLife...the thing is...it was all in my head. I'm hoping to be able to talk about my trip at my home church in Riverside on Sunday and I've been going over it in my head a lot because I'm not much of a public speaker and I want it to be perfect. I want to truly convey all the emotions, the sensations, the lessons I learned in this place called India.

I've mentioned how being in India is humbling but I haven't broken down exactly why...I'm sure you all could slap together some pictures in your head that might begin to explain it. You've seen movies. You've listened to people give speeches about the missions of World Vision and Compassion. You've seen the infomercials. You maybe even bought some Toms so that a child in an impoverished village could have a pair of shoes. But until you've been there, you can never really know. I know you hear that all the time. I was in the same boat. I thought hearing about it was sufficient but the Lord has broken me in a way I desperately needed.

I've spent the past year of my life wallowing....dwelling in the darkness of my family, sulking in my unworthiness, believing to my utmost ability that no one could ever love me the way that I love them. Devilish talk. And for an entire year I ate it up. I remember writing in my journal on the plane ride to India. I asked God why? Why would he take me to such a dark and depressing and poverty stricken place like India when I was already at my lowest point in life. What could I possibly deliver to the people of this place? How could I demonstrate the love of God when I wasn't feeling it myself?

God's just chalk full of surprises though. He knew that I needed to experience the vastness of His love and that taking me to a country on the other side of the world was just the way to do it.

My whole life I've wanted to be a writer. I'm obsessed with words and their ability to simply emote. I've always wanted to be able to put words together in a way that will empower the consumer of my delicious creations. I have an insatiable appetite for books and the worlds they allow me to plunge into...all that to say, this is my meager attempt at conveying the joy I experienced in India. Time and time again Jami, my pseudomom, has reminded me that I can't let my familial circumstances steal my joy. The word joy is so simple, and yet so complex. Most people equate it with happiness. Even the dictionary puts the word happiness in the definition...well at lease the Mac definition does. But over this past year I've discovered that I can play with happiness. I can pretend that I'm happy. All you have to do is put a smile on and people think you're happy. But there's no messin' with joy. You either got it or you don't. And this past year I lost it. I think it got hidden in a bottomless bushel basket. What is a bushel basket anyway?

Joy is more than just a facial expression. When you have it, it seeps out of your body. It's like every pore and follicle on your body has opened up and there's joy slithering out all over the people you surround yourself with...but it doesn't actually slither, because snakes slither, and snakes don't promote joy...joy flutters, it floats, it shimmers, and it glistens...and when someone's got some joy inside them, everyone's gonna know. Joy is overwhelming, it tries to just be whelming but since that doesn't exist, it simply has to overwhelm you, because that's what joy does. It takes everything over the top. It's sort of like your body becomes one of those big giant bubble wands and God is just blowing big bubbles of joy through you...and they pop on everyone who's near you...sometimes God blows the bubbles really far though and they land in places like India. And you begin to truly understand that God really does have a plan, a purpose, a simple desire for our petty lives. We are his marionettes and I'm more than happy allowing God to pull my strings. As long as He keeps pulling the one that's attached to my heart. The one that calls me to the broken children of the world.

I'd like you to understand that you can be broken..and still have joy...in fact, I think it's necessary to be broken beyond repair in order to fully grasp the depths of the joy God has for us. Calling the children broken doesn't automatically imply that they have no joy. The broken children of India are the ones that discovered the bushel basket with my joy in it and gave it back to me. I know I'm getting a little carried away with the metaphors here but I don't know another way to help you fathom this euphoria that I'm wallowing in at, now 4:34 am.

The kids of India, my English students, actually ended up teaching me more than I could have ever taught them. They taught me that joy is inherent. It's a seed God plants inside us and our circumstances have the ability to grow it or kill it, depending on how we perceive them and react to them. The children of the YuvaLok primary school live the direst of lives yet they continue to emit this joy that is pandemically contagious. Don't get me wrong, I definitely wanted to wring some of their necks due to some of the disastrous moments they made me endure, but their joy stained me.

And now I'm back. Back in this cold, self-absorbed nation known as America. And as good as it feels to be back, I can't help but fret. What if my joys runs hiding again? Smiles are scarce here and true joy is even harder to find. Good thing I'm moving to camp in two weeks ay? From one spiritual high to another. :) No but really though, I'm embarking on a mission...an endless game of tug of war in which I desperately fend off the little devils trying to steal my joy. Devils of insecurity, unworthiness, angst, and despair.

So I hold onto my end of the rope tightly, winding it around my wrists and tucking it under my arm, digging my heels into the ground.

I already miss India and so I sit at 4:54 in the morning listening to the glorious and ample melodies of my new Bollywood CD.

Jami I got my joy back! And I'm still jet hyped. Tomorrow is going to be rough.

I'm on an Elephant.

Well hello there...

It's Tuesday evening here in Bangalore and we leave tomorrow to head back up to Delhi...and Thursday morning we fly back hooome!!! Our first week in Bangalore dragged by but this past week has flown. God's full of surprises. I seriously love this place and I'm so sad to leave.

So Thursday we were supposed to have Bagalur club but it rained hardcore and we couldn't get over to the club location due to the flooding so we had to cancel club...but we had popcorn for the kids so we waited until after the rain died down and then we headed over to the Bagalur slum. Long story short I think more elderly women received popcorn than children.

Friday ended up being the equivalent of a snow day. School got canceled becuase a chief minister of the state of India that we are staying in, passed away in a plane crash. Twas rather unfortunate but we thoroughly enjoyed our lazy day watching movies.

Saturday we went to Mysore!! We left town at 6:30 am and you can find some fun pictures of me sleeping in the van on facebook :) In Mysore we got to see a bunch of tombs and forts and palaces. It was pretty epic. Lauren and I also got to ride an elephant and when we hopped off, the guy in charge told us to give the elephant money and then he would bless us. Of course I wanted to be blessed by an elephant so I gave him 10 rupees and he patted my head with his trunk. I will never be the same.

Oh man. The ride home from Mysore was a 4 hr time period in my life that I can never forget. I was utterly exhausted but could not sleep due to our horn happy driver. He would sometimes honk his horn for no reason at all. Sometimes he would lay on the horn and sometimes he would just honk it about 10 to 15 times in succession. Lauren and I laughed about it for awhile but then we just got pissed. Can you imgaine 4 hours of horn honking. When we got back into Bangalore we hit a major traffic jam. So I opened my window and hung my head outside to get some air. There were 11 of us in a small charter van. It was stuffy. So here in India white people get stared at...a lot. So I've begun to just stare back because I'm so tired of it. So on our drive home from Mysore we were pulling up alongside this big group of men and they were all staring so I just said hello. Bad idea. One of the men proceeded to reach inside my window and touch my arm and say "hello madame." It was shocking and hysterical and proves that Indian men have relentless audacity.

Sunday we went to a traditional church service where we got the pleasure of singing a ton of really fun hymns...I'm not gonna lie, I almost fell asleep a few times. But the message was really good!! After church Sam and Beulah, Chinky and Sharola's parents, took us out to the most amazing lunch ever at this really snazzy 5 star hotel. We actually got a tour of the buffet to explain to us all our options...that's how snazzy it was. Let's just say I ate myself into a coma. Then Sunday night we had senior k club and after club the leaders taught us a fisherman's dance. So Fun!!

Monday was our last day of school so we ended up just playing with the kids and not teaching them anything...we read to them a bit and then just took a ton of pictures and videos. Then after we were done with our classes for the day we headed downstairs where we normally have lunch and we reminded Jimmy, the primary school headmaster, that today was our last day. He freaked out because he thought we were staying longer. He ran outside and made some calls. Meanwhile, Lauren and I are bewildered. We have no idea what's going on. Children and teachers are rushing by us and Jimmy comes back in and asks if we can stay another 30 minutes. We say yes, of course and then by this time, all of the kids in the entire school are sitting outside on the patio where they normally sit for lunch. Jimmy starts talking to them in Kanara, which is their language here in Bangalore. Then he pulls three chairs out into the middle of all the kids. He proceeds to tell Lauren and I to sit in them and then he takes a seat next to us. We still have no idea what's going on. Then one of the teachers has all the children bow their heads and they pray for us as we head out on our journey home. Then the same teacher that led the prayer called up three students from the kindergarten class and they performed a little song for us. A select number of students from each grade did a special performance for us and it was the most amazing and highly undeserved thing I've ever been honored with. We felt like royalty. The children had practiced and practiced and then they stood up before their peers and us and sang and danced and it was so magical. Then after all the performances the same teacher brought out these magnificent necklaces made of jasmine and marigolds and roses and put them on us. Jimmy asked us to stand up and say a few words of farewell to all the kids and I almost cried. In the beginning this job was so hard and so unexpected, but those children certainly won my heart by the end of it all and I was sooo sad to leave them. We promised Thara, the school bookkeeper, that both Lauren and I would come back with our husbands and visit someday. :)

Yesterday after school and all day today, we shopped. And shopped. And shopped some more. We bought soooo much beautiful stuff and I've become an expert at bartering. Sherin and Sheila, two of the leaders that came shopping with us today, told me that I'm better at bartering than they are :) I just smile the whole time and keep my price that I offer from the beginning and he merchants always end up giving it to me..for example, today I wanted to by this really gorgeous table runner and the man wanted to give it to me for 750 rupees. I said oh no no ..way too much. He brought it down to 600 and I said oh no no ...still too much. Us Americans have wisened up. The price they offer us at first is at least twice what the actual product is worth, and they do this simply because we are white. So he told me 600 and I refused. And then I saw another table runner that I wanted so I said give me these two for 700 rupees. He said oh no no. I said yes. 700 rupees. We continued to argue for a bit. I kept smiling. And eventually he gave me two table runners for 700 rupees when the original one he wanted to give me was 750!! It's really quite comical how they try to cheat us. All the rickshaw drivers are the worst. They have meters that they are supposed to use on their rickshaws but if you're white, they pretend the meters are broken and give you an outrageous price. So when we are with our Indian friends we hide out while they go talk to the rickshaw driver and get him to use the meter, and then we pop out and hop in the rickshaw. It's fun to get to cheat them back. :)

So tomorrow Lauren and I are supposed to be flying back up to Delhi...but we just got word that our specific airline, Jet Airways, is on strike. All the pilots have called in sick so there's a chance we might have to change our flight. :( So pray that everything works out please!! It would be really unfortunate if we got stuck here. I mean I love it and all, but I'm really quite excited to come home.

Missing you all terribly. Thanks so much for reading!!!

Prepare to be violated.

The title of this blog refers to an underwear ad that Lauren saw outside of a building on the way home from school one day. Slightly inappropriate but comical all the same.

Today is Thursday and I knew I couldn't escape India unscathed. I have a terrible head cold. I'm so congested and it feels like a rickshaw loaded down with 11 schoolchildren is parked on my face. I'm trying to keep my happy face on, but I really am quite miserable. All the kids are sick at school so it's no surprise that I lost the battle in fighting off the cold.

So I'm just gonna write about some quick highlights because I don't have a whole lot of time right now...so Tuesday night the whole team is over for what I thought was a normal team meeting...turns out we're getting the sex talk from an elderly Australian couple. Pretty darn epic and slightly offensive. They were seriously telling us things that I'm pretty sure I learned about decades ago...but alas, they continued to pound the issue of boundaries into a pulp. So that's been the highlight of conversation among the Americans for the past couple days.

Tuesday before the oh so glamorous sex talk, Sharola took us to a slum called Bagalur that we have a special club for on Thursday nights...which is where I'm headed in a few minutes. I left the slum a broken mess. After witnessing what some people call home and observing the overwhelming amounts of joy they still reap from their lives, I wept in the rickshaw on the ride home. Families of 11 will live in a room the size of an American bathroom. Some of the children even have to sleep outside because there's simply no room.

Yesterday we went shopping and I truly learned the art of haggling. I actually had fun with it and even laughed with some of the merchants. I bought some pretty beautiful things, among them some mugs. I already broke one.

Last night after watching HP and the GOF...Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire according to Taylor...I decided I needed some meds or something to ward off this cold. Sharola suggested I try steam inhalatation. I had never tried it before so I agreed. I then ended up under a sheet, breathing steam up my nose and I seriously thought it was burning the lining of my nasal passages, but it helped...momentarily.

This morning I woke up feeling worse, of course, so Sharola gave me a handkerchief doused in this oil that smells like concentrated Vicks vaporub. Again with the singing of the nasal passages. But again, it worked. So I headed off to school with my hanky glued to my nose and this morning was the high school's Investiture Ceremony...which is where all the best students get elected captains of their grade. It was magical, because not only did they honor us Americans and present us with flowers to thank us for volunteering, but they let us help in the crowning of the captains. It was so amazing and the highlight of my day. Then we had tea and cake after the ceremony. We have a lot of tea here. A lot. I've never been much of a tea drinker but I think I might be once I get back to the states. I'm sorta hooked on it now.

Us Americans are in charge of the mixers again today...we have two clubs tonight...there is a Bagalur club and a Young Adult club...for Bagalur we are playing link tag and for the Young Adult club we are playing screaming ninjas. Oh how I love YoungLife.