Day 5: The day that never ended

My alarm goes off at 6:00 am and I snooze it three times unintentionally. I end up waking up at 6:45 am, only 15 minutes before I'm supposed to be arriving at Rocking Frog coffee shop to meet my girl Launa. You know that feeling when you oversleep and you freak out for a second. Yeah, I had that feeling. I hop off the long uncomfortable couch and race up the stairs to the bathroom. Side note...the street we are staying on is called Couch St. You would think it's pronounced couch, like a couch you sit on, but no it's couch, pronounced cooch. Awesome. So I get ready quick style and peace out for The Rocking Frog. I get lost for about twenty minutes in downtown Portland. I arrive at the coffee shop about 45 minutes late. I despise being late, mainly because I hate when people are late when they are meeting with me so I try my damndest to never be late. I failed miserably this morning. Seeing Launa was epic. We took some not so candid candid photos and my granola took about 20 minutes to make and I was getting pretty annoyed but when I finally got it, I realized it was well worth the wait!

After we said our goodbyes at Rocking Frog, Dannah, Will and I head over for a quick visit in McMinnville with my friends Brent and Tyler. We literally only have about an hour to spend there before we have to move on and boy was it an eventful hour. Brent and Ty take us to Sandwich Express where you can order a sandwich up to 2 feet long. Dannah and I play it safe and share a foot long. We squeeze six of us into a booth but not for long. We got our order

to go so we could maximize our hang out time and Brent had to get pretty for a class trip. We head back to their house and watch my other friend Ben's debut on Price

is Right. Ty makes sure to slow mo the facial expressions and reactions and it was literally priceless! After some boisterous laughter Ty and their other roommate Brian take us on an MTV cribz tour of their house, which smells like a caged animal, although they have no pets. I'm not the first one to tell them this either. Brian and Ty did a wonderful job showing us around and they wrapped up the tour by showing us the inside of their fridge. Dirty. Then Dannah and I took a little trip on the tandem bike that had no right break and a broken back chain. Dannah insisted on riding in the front and I was terrified for my life. Needless to say, it was an epic adventure, especially when we went off-roading in the neighbor's front yard. We said our goodbyes and headed out. Next stop Salem. 

On our way down the 99 we realize that we are gonna pass right by David and his friend on their way to somewhere so we stop to get one last dose of David. We pull off in this janky liquor store parking lot and basically say hello and goodbye. So good. Hop back in the car and head to Salem.

We pull into Salem for a quick catch up sesh with my girl Lora. She's super tall and blonde, my kinda girl. We kick it at her counseling office for about an hour. There are bright happy colors, soft contours, and lots of tissue boxes meant for comfort for her clients. I felt slightly awkward. We chill for an hour and then head to the next destination, Eugene. This is where we say goodbye to Will. He is meeting up with some peeps he knows here in Salem and we are heading off to hit the open road again.

We roll up in Eugene a little before 5pm. We get to my friend Teagan's house and we've

all decided we are gonna make enchiladas for dinner. Dannah and I's first home-cooked meal the whole week. Teagan takes us to WinCo, which apparently is known for being 

ghetto, but I didn't think it was that bad. I guess everyone's standards are different. :) We pick up enchilada fix-ins and some rock stars for the 

next leg of our trip. Oh, almost forgot, we bought Jarritos...Mexican orange soda. Bomb. After WinCo we decide to take Dannah by Value Village, only the best thrift store chain ever! Dannah is a Value Village Virgin so Teags and I decide to jack her V cubed card. I found some pretty sick framed photos of unicorns and a priceless 80's windbreaker to add to my collection. Dannah finds a cute purse and an awesome knick knack to add to David and Kyle's random crap corner. After a successful trip to the village we head back to Teagan's to make ench-y-laaaadas!! 

Once we successfully make it back, Dannah takes control of the kitchen sitch because she is the only on who knows how to cook. Allison, Teagan's roommate, makes it back from a run she went on and proceeds to express her frustration with the irony of her haggard break times perfectly coinciding with when all the hot boys decide to run by. I mean you can't just pick up your perfect form running right when you see them because that would just be too obvious. Apparently, this happens to her quite often. 

Back to the enchiladas. Dannah's doin' somethin' crazy, fryin' the tortillas in enchilada sauce, never seen that before. She makes the cheese, chicken, and onion concoction for 

the inside of the enchies. I don't care for onions, in fact I despise them, but I decide to suck it up because everyone else wants them. I can just pick them out. Turns out there were FAR TOO MANY onions in the enchiladas. They were basically onion enchiladas. No cheese, and negative chicken. It was pretty epic. You know the look you get when you're trying to pretend like something tastes good and it actually tastes foul. That was the look on everyone's face. The enchies were salvageable though...We just had to scoop out the heaps of onions. :) After finishing up dinner, Dannah and I grab our rockstars, one passion fruit and one roasted mocha,  out of the freezer, well my rockstars, not hers. We are now going to drive from Eugene to Lake Tahoe. It's now 7pm and we still have one more stop before we hit the road again. I've decided I want to drive the entire way from Eugene to South Lake Tahoe. I refuse to let Dannah drive because I know that if I let her drive, I will fall asleep and I don't want to leave her stranded driving with no companion to talk to. I grab my rockstars and we head out. We stop at my girl Elisa's for a quick hang out/ catch up sesh. It lasts about a half hour and then we embark for Tahoe.

This is where the real fun begins. It's 8pm. We have a 9 hour drive ahead of us. Keep in mind I just ran a marathon yesterday followed by about 4 hours of uncomfortable rest on a lumpy couch. After gassing up and draining the bladders, we hop back on the 5. Dannah promises me she won't fall asleep. I'm fine for about the first three hours. I have a nice long phone convo with my good friend Zachary but then we lose reception and Dannah is "resting her eyes." It's pouring rain and there are tons of threatening diesel trucks wavering inches from my tiny corolla. The rain stops and the fog rolls in. Vision is limited, yet I'm still driving fast. Where's the rationale in that you say? There is none. We made it through the fog just fine but you know what I hate? I really can't stand the redundant construction zones freckled alllll over the 5 that don't really revolve around any construction at all. I'm convinced they are just speed traps for cops to give you over-priced tickets.

About half way through the trip we stop at a gas station to re-fill the tank and load up on some food because I'm famished. The onion enchies didn't stick. I also desperately need to wash my face. It has successfully sucked up all the make-up I was wearing and I can feel the pimples

brewing. Wash my face and brush my teeth in the gas station bathroom and come out to Dannah taking pictures of herself while filling up the tank. Epic. We head back into the gas station for some grub. I come up with a turkey lunchable and a strawberry lemonade flavored Powerade. Dannah grabs Munchies and a Blue Powerade, yeah the flavor is actually Blue. As we are checking out I'm looking at this glass display case next to the register. It's about 1 in the morning and the two of us are pretty delirious. I'm looking at the little knick knacks in the case and I have no idea what they are. They look like pencil holders, but for only one pencil. Why in the world would a gas station sell pencil holders you ask? Well I was mistaken in my conclusion. A random lady behind us pipes in after hearing our confused banter, "those are cigarette snuffers." "Cigarette stuffers?" I reply. "No cigarette sNuffers. You stick your cigarette in there and it goes out." "But they're bottomless," I say "how would it not burn the surface of whatever the snuffer is resting on?" "There is no oxygen for the cigarette so it immediately goes out when you stick the end in the hole." She finishes. Wow, now that I have been enlightened to all that is a cigarette snuffer, Dannah and I head for the car with our lunchable and Munchies in hand. As we are walking to the car, the snuffer lady intercepts us. Here is the epic conversation that follows, "You might think I'm a weirdo, but you guys look LIT! Where's the dank at?" "Oh we aren't high, we're just really tired."  Dannah replies. "Oh, well you guys are the tweakers! I just smoke weed!" And then she proceeds to run away from us to the Motel 6 across the street. Dannah and I bust up hysterically.

Once we're back on the road I open my Lunchable and start grubbin'. Dannah makes a comment about how my food smells like dirty underwear. Oh, we also bought some Sour Patch Watermelons. She's grubbin' on those. As we're drivin' along we see this big giant majestic looking building covered in lights in the distance. As we continue to get closer we realize it's just a factory and Dannah says, "Dude I'm soo lit! I totally thought that was Oz!" Again we lose it in fits of delirious giggles. We eat our cheese flavored munchies and revel in the delirium. Then...the panic attack hits. We're driving on the two lane 5 and it's pitch black at 3am. A diesel truck pulls out in front of me to pass another diesel truck. Then a pickup pulls up behind me and starts riding my ass and flashing his lights. I clearly have nowhere to go as there is a massive truck in front of and to the right of me. He proceeds to flash his lights and ride my ass. As soon as I can, I try to get out of his way. He pulls up beside me and lingers for awhile. This truck is janky. It's pretty decrepit and it had a weird motorcycle thing in the back. After he passes me he moves over to get in front of me in the slow lane. Then he slows down to about 60. I'm terrified to pass him because all I can think about is Jeepers Creepers and how he is going to run me off the road the moment I try to pass him. So I stay behind him as he goes 60 for about 5 miles. This whole time Dannah is just telling me to pass him pass him and I'm freaking out! Finally I get over and gun it. I'm going about 95 and watching him in my rearview mirror. The distance between us should be growing...but alas, it is not. Then I really start freaking out. He's staying a decent way behind me but he isn't getting farther away. It was a nightmare. Finally we get away from the crazy who probably wasn't even a crazy, I was just having a panic attack due to lack of sleep. We get to Sac town and Dannah, with the bladder of a 3 yr old, has to pee again. This whole drive we've been sharing some pretty epic tales about middle school when I was fat, gap-toothed, and friendless. We also talked about how sour patch watermelons are made of gelatin which actually comes from horse hooves. We are consuming horse hooves among other atrocious ingredients I don't want to think about. As we are getting off the freeway Dannah complains of a stomach ache and how the ball of gummies in her stomach is re-forming into a horse hoof. 

Our directions say to take the 99/80/50 exit. Apparently three freeways merge and we are supposed to take all of them. We see a sign for the 80 and we take it, completely disregarding that the sign says nothing about the 99 or the 50. As we are driving down the 80 Dannah and I start playing the most ludicrous game of Would you rather? I won't even go into detail but just know that Dannah would rather have a dangly belly button protrusion and I would much rather use mayonaise face wash. After driving on the 80 for about 30 minutes we start seeing signs telling us to pull over and put on our snow chains. I start flipping out. I have never driven in the snow aside from the escapade in Seattle earlier this week, and I certainly don't have chains, nor do I know how to put them on my vehicle. We keep driving since there is no snow on the highway. Now we start seeing signs for Reno, not Lake Tahoe. After driving for another half hour I decide to text Cha Cha to see what the deal is. For those of you who don't know about Cha Cha, you are truly missing out. It's an all knowing entity that when texted any question in the world, will give you a very accurate answer within the minute. Just text 242 242 and sit back and relax cuz Cha Cha has your back. So Cha Cha tells me to hop on the 89 S...needless to say, I am at the very top of the lake. I have to drive all the way down to the bottom of it and it's 5 in the morning. We keep thinking we are so close and then we pass a sign that says 30 more miles. That happened about 3 times. By this time our bodies are literally shutting down. My throat is closing up and my spine feels like it is compressing into itself, and my eyeballs feel like they have dried up into salty raisins. I'm getting pissed because we are lost and I want to cry. Finally 6am rolls around and we have turned around about 4 times and still can't find my cousins house. I call him and he gets us there finally a little after 6am. 

We crumple up into bed and sleep for about 5 hours. End of day 5.

Day 4: Marathon Mayhem

So it's the morning of the marathon and I'm stressing out as I normally do before I subject my body to 26.2 miles of sheer torture. Ok that's another exaggeration. I actually do enjoy running. And the ecstasy after finishing a marathon is unreal. Anyway I continue to stress out undercover as Dannah, Will,  and I enjoy some pre-race oatmeal. They each have one packet. I have two. Maple & brown sugar. Drizzle a little bit of milk after it comes out of the microwave. The best! The more calories the better. We pack up and do some pre-race kung-fu pics and head out the door. Much to our surprise it's snowing. Well, sleeting at first. Diluted snow. Wonderful. Dannah has never seen snow fall from the sky before. She is from Hawaii. In case you didn't know, it doesn't snow there. She is in awe. We quickly come to the realization that as beautiful as it is, we have to run a marathon in this ish. No bueno. By the time we actually make it to the car it is no longer sleeting, it's snowing. Majorly. The snowflakes are fat cold cotton balls. GnarBar. I've never driven in the snow so I'm freakin' out on the ride from Seattle to Olympia. Ps. I got a phone call from the race coordinator last night. Red flag. Race officials don't call the runners before the event. That just doesn't happen. He calls to inform me that the location of the race has changed. Another red flag. Races don't just pack up their bags and move over to the next county. That just doesn't happen. Something smells a little janky. So now we are heading south to Rochester, Washington rather than the capital of Olympia. I later learn that Rochester is the buttcrack of Washington according to a native Olympian. 

After some serious close calls with icy snowy treacherous roads we finally arrive at Swede Hall. Yeah, it's pretty awesome. There are big Swedish flags painted on the walls inside. There are a whopping 20 people bustling around inside the building. This is where the race is supposed to start and there are 20 freaking people! I proceed to ask the race official how many people will be running the marathon. He proceeds to tell me that there are 30 people in the race. 30 people! Fifteen of them left at the early start an hour ago. This is janky. Dannah and I are definitely from southern California as we put on our trash bags. We're not tryin' to get all wet running 26.2 miles.

People are staring at us, mainly because I'm wearing crazy glittery blue spandex straight from the 80's but also because clearly only rookies wear trash bags. Whatevs. Anyway back to the janky race. So the course is out 5 miles one way and back and then 1 1/2 miles the other way and back. That makes a 13 mile re-run course and for those of us running the marathon, we get to do it twice. Wonderful. Quite possibly the worst course ever. The race official clearly has never run a marathon. Not only is it out and back but since the race is so small, they have decided not to close the roads. It had been snowing/raining all morning. Clearly there are puddles and slushy clumps of fun all over the place. Cars decide it's a good idea to splash muddy water all over our bodies. Foul. There are only four aid stations throughout the entire race and we just repeatedly pass the same stations over and over. There was this one young boy volunteer that I saw a total of four times throughout my race. The third time I saw him, it was mile 16, I decided to see if he could pump me up a bit. "10 miles, that's nothing right? I can do this right?" I said. "I couldn't do it" was his flat un-emotional response. Great encouragement buddy. The last time I pass him by, mile 20, I say "6 miles I can do this right? 6 miles is nothing." He responds in his monotone, "Seems like a lot to me." Awesome kid. Thanks for the pick me up. 

For those of you who have never experienced a marathon, they normally have hundreds of volunteers, aid stations at every mile marker, blatant course markers, port-a-poddies for miles,  lots of spectators screaming your name because it's clearly written on your bib, and lots of fun and energy! This marathon had none of the above. It was frigid. There were four volunteers. No spectators. Random cones as course markers. Towards the end of the race the four aid stations have been abandoned. The one boy I was talking about earlier is sitting in the car with his mom next to the aid station. There are no runners for 3 miles in front of or behind me. I had ditched my trash bag at the half way point because the weather was overtly shizophrenic. It decided to be sunny and literally about ten minutes after I cast off the bag, it starts pouring torrential rain and fierce wind against my ragged body. 

Best part of the whole race, just after I passed the discouraging boy, a woman pulls over in her car. I have my headphones in but I hear her scream, "HEY LADY!!" She could only be talking to me. I turn around to see a middle-aged woman, frizzy brown hair blowing in the wind, expression livid as she yells some more. "There's an aid station back there that's been abandoned! The cups are blowing all over the road! We need to keep these streets clean! You need to go clean that stuff up!" I'm shocked. Speechless. Not quite sure how to respond. I finally come up with, "I'm pretty sure they will come through and pick everything up after all the runners have finished the race." She looks at me and shouts, "They better or I'm calling the cops!" I turn around and run away as quickly as I can considering I've been running for 20 miles and my body is near death. Never before have I been harassed during a marathon. Epic. I laugh hysterically for about five minutes and simply how ludicrous this entire experience has been.

At one point, at about mile 25, it starts hailing. Oh hell no, I think to myself. I can handle wind, rain, even a little snow, but hail is f'ing painful!! Good thing it only hailed for about 2 minutes. I'm about a half mile from the finish, maybe a little more, and all of a sudden I see this rather large group of runners not too far ahead of me. I'm stumped as to where all of these people have come from. I know there are not that many people in my entire race. Turns out there was a one mile fun run that started about four hours after my race. They gave me the motivation to finish strong. I felt my pace pick up unintentionally. I'm competitive at heart. There were runners in front of me and I wanted to beat them. Who cares if they are only doing 1/26th of what I'm doing. I beat two of them. In yo face suckas!!

Normally, in what would be considered a typical marathon, the finish line is a fatty banner with a big clock and an announcer calling out names of runners finishing. There are heaps of spectators screaming and cheering. Water, bananas, and oranges for days. When I reached what appeared to be a finish line, (there is an easy-up, an empty table, and a clock propped up on the table), I have to knock on the window of a car parked nearby and ask if this is in fact the finish line. A young girl opens the door and records my time, at least a minute after I actually finished :( and hands me this deformed piece of plastic that is trying really hard to be a trophy. I'm pissed. It says overall winner on it. Lies. I ask the race official what this means and he says, "Oh, since there were so few runners we decided that everyone was a winner." I come back with "So there are no medals?" "No, we figured since there were so few of you guys we would just give you all trophies." I'm heated. I go back to my car and I'm so upset I almost cry. I can feel the tears welling. It may seem petty, but to be honest that's mostly what I think about the entire time I'm running, the sweet medal I'm gonna get at the end of it all. So when I didn't get a medal, I was livid, especially considering the conditions of this janky marathon. Dannah got a medal for finishing the 10k race. She tells me I should go back and see if they have extras and I can trade. So I do. I go knock on the window again and the girl gives me quite possibly the most janky medal ever. I keep using that word janky. You may be unaware of what it means. The urban dictionary definition is as follows: "an adjective used to describe a person, place or thing which is questionable, fucked up, wrong, strange, broken down, undesirable, and/or just some thing you can't think of another word for." The medal has a clip art leprechaun on the front. The back has a computer label printed off that says leprechaun classic and that is all. I'm not even certain this race was official. I may go to register for the 50 states club later this year and come to find that they won't recognize this race. I will cry. All this to say, this was a crazy race but something to laugh about in hindsight. Epic.

So I'm in a pretty pissy mood after finishing the race and I go to change out of my grimy clothes in the Swede Hall bathroom. Turns out they double booked the hall and there is another event that overlaps ours. I open the door and there are hundreds of old people coupled up, slow dancing in the middle of the room. Quite possibly the most precious thing I've ever seen in my life. My heart melts. I head into the restroom, where the stall doors only come up to my chest, and attempt to awkwardly change my clothes. I end up having to sit on the toilet seat while I change so strange old people don't see my naked salty body. After I change, an old woman is washing her hands and catches my eye. "Are you guys almost finished up out there?" she asks me. "Yeah, I think there are only a few more out there." "How far did you run?" "26.2 miles." "Wow, I bet you're pretty hungry huh? I'm so sorry they just cleaned up our feast." She rattles off all the yummy old people food they ate. "I'm gonna go try and get you a sandwich." About three minutes later she comes back into the bathroom with half an egg salad sandwich wrapped in a napkin and hands it to me. "I tried to get two but they wouldn't let me." She says with a smile. "I have 22 grandkids, 10 kids, and 3 great grandkids. I'm a mother at heart." Totally turned my world around. Total God sighting. I was euphoric after that. Thanks Jesus.

Will, Dannah, and I pack into the car once again and head out of little old Rochester, Washington

We shoot down to Portland where we meet up with our friend Crystal. We all shower and I attempt to take an hour long nap. I fail miserably. My body aches too much to rest. It's ironic and it sucks. Then Dannah and I take off to visit with my girl Lillian at Portland City Grill on the 30th floor of this grand building. We get a fantastic view of downtown Portland. Epic. Sundays are happy hour all day long so we order tons of amazing appetizers. Once our bellies are successfully

 bloated we head out. We pause in the lobby for a fun photo sesh. I teach Lil how to thizz and then we peace out. 

We get back to Crystal's house and Dannah sleeps on the loveseat while I take the big couch and Will takes the floor. Dannah doesn't sleep at all. The next day Dannah makes a comment about how she has never laid on a couch that was too small for her. She is barely 5'1''. I slept about four hours due to an aching body and a not so comfy couch. Not sure how much Will slept. All in all there was not much rest involved. Day 4 end. 

Day 3: Teenie Weenies

I woke up in my friend David's bed, sweating like a pregnant nun, sandwiched between two sleeping bodies. Another day off on the wrong foot. I maneuver my way out from between the two bodies to find David and Kyle in the kitchen working hard. Quite the hosts. They made us a feast of bacon, potatoes, and cheesy eggs. We take some self-timed group pics after breakfast and as we are about to leave, I decide Dannah and I need a picture of "the random crap corner." We grab the crystal ball and Dannah reads my future. David makes a comment about how Dannah could "be the perfect gypsy with those little carnie hands." We leave David and Kyle's humble abode and embark on our journey to Seattle. 

Since we stayed up until about 3:30 in the morning last night my passengers are pooped and they both fall asleep. I decide to endanger my life as well as theirs by taking a video of them...sleeping. Yes, I thought it was a good idea at the time but after watching it, I realized it was a very stupid idea. The video wasn't funny like I anticipated it would be. Big surprise, it's raining in Oregon. It's lunch time and we pull off to go to Taco Bell (Will had never been there in his entire life. He later nicknames it Taco Hell). We all get crunch wrap supremes and they taste bomb but later make us hate life as they sit in our stomachs twiddling their thumbs thinking of ways to torture us. Sick.

About twenty minutes from our destination, I decide I can't wait any longer. I must stop

at a bathroom or my bladder will explode like an over-filled water balloon. I'm already leaking. We stop at a janky gas station.

                             There are two bathrooms. Dannah and I go first and Will waits outside. As I come out Will makes a comment about how Dannah was busting up laughing while she was in the bathroom. When Dannah comes out she pulls me into her bathroom and there on the wall staring us in the face is a vending machine selling penis extenders in six different types with a suggestion to try all six in rotation. There are studded condoms and another one for Pandora's box of erotic toys. They are all only .75 cents each and Dannah 

and I decide we couldn't possibly pass up this opportunity. We purchase two items from Pandora's box. Dannah gets an "invisible condom" which is just a regular condom pretending to be invisible. I get pretty much the most amazing present ever. On the front there is a picture of a cherub looking cartoon and it says "Teenie Weenies." I turn it over to find "Novelty Midget Teenie Weenie Tickler" written on the back, along with "for the men who don't have much." I can't even describe to you what lay inside so I will just enclose a picture. We laughed for a solid ten minutes and then continued on our journey to Seattle.

We park on my friend Ali's street in Seattle and I had gotten a text from her earlier that said that she lived in the back half of the house and to just come on back. I haven't yet told Will and Dannah about the afore-mentioned text and so I just grab my things and start walking along the side of the house. Will and Dannah get really confused and proceed to ask me "what the hell I'm doing and if we are breaking into the house." By this time were are standing on the back porch and I am looking for the back house, as opposed to the "back half of the house." We laugh hysterically for a few minutes trying to figure out where in the heck we are supposed to go. By this time Ali has heard us laughing and opens the back door of the house. Everything is cleared up and we drop our stuff off inside.

My old friend Ryan Warner arrives (the self-proclaimed professional athlete who trains incessantly for iron man competitions). We all pile into Ali's Forerunner and head out to do the touristy Seattle stuff. We hit up the troll that you guys have all seen in 10 things I hate about you. Epic. I pick his nose and then we move on. We head to downtown Seattle where we take some sweet pics with the needle. Will asks "what the needle is even for? Is it purely for decoration." Dannah quickly comes back with "oh no, it sews things." Then we go to this place called Chocoladi. Sooo amazing. They have six different types of coco each day. Ryan and Ali got the Chocolate Turtle, a heavenly blend of caramel, chocolate, and hazelnut. Will and Dannah got the Raspberry Truffle and I got the Peppermint Patty. Soo yummy. We head over to the Quality Foods Center, QFC if you will. Ali tells us it's weird food and if we don't want to buy dinner there we don't have to. We do. We buy stuff to make pasta for a pre-marathon carb load. Yes, I am running a marathon the following morning. Instead of checking out with an associate, Ryan decides to go to self check-out. Bad idea. It flips out on us repeatedly for removing objects before it is ready for us to remove them. I think we ended up stealing some noodles due to a glitch in the system. Anyway, as we are leaving the store with our purchases this angry homeless man gives us a grimace from behind the water machine outside the building. I nearly screamed. It was pretty terrifying. I thought he was going to shank me and steal my pre-made garlic bread and hearts of romaine lettuce. But alas, he did not and we made it back to Ali's house safely. Ryan made dinner and we grubbed. Everyone was flabbergasted at how much pasta I put away. What can I say, Girl can eat, especially when I'm running a marathon in the morning. Oh yeah, almost forgot, Will really likes math so he decided to celebrate Pi day twice. He bought another pie to celebrate with our Seattle friends. I don't think anyone ended up eating the pie. Sad day. We finally go to bed about midnight.

Day 2: The Ninja Sandwich Artist

We only slept about 3 1/2 hours. It was one of those mornings when your eyes feel like they're being stabbed out when you try to open them. We meant to be up and out by 8am but alas we were largely unsuccessful. T's roommate Ali's boyfriend's mom was going to be on Good Morning America for finishing top three in Emeril's slow-cooker contest and we just couldn't miss that. Her recipe was called Chalupie, could be easily mistaken for Taco Bell's Chalupa, but certainly not even close. Long story short, she didn't win. The lady with the shirt that blatantly pointed out where her nipples were won the giant gold plated slow cooker. Poor Ali's boyfriend's mom. I think her name was Nancy, or Penny. Dannah and I finally hit the road at about 9. We were supposed to be in Moraga/Arinda at 9 to pick up my friend Will. We didn't get there until close to 11 due to a series of unfortunate events. First I passed the exit to the highway we were supposed to take. We didn't realize my mistake until 20 miles later. Awesome. We nearly had to pay a toll for a bridge we weren't even supposed to cross. We turn around and I decide I need a drink. We stop at Starbucks and order bagels and double shots...of caffeine. We get our bagels only to find out they are out of cream cheese. What the hell? Dannah hops out of the car, while I am paying at the drive thru Starbucks window, and runs over to the liquor store, because maybe they will have cream cheese? Surprise. They don't. Of course, we can't eat our bagels without cream cheese so we drive to a Safeway nearby. Dannah buys cream cheese and plastic utensils to spread the cheese. Since the box came with spoons too she thought it would be a waste not to buy something to use those spoons with. She came back with three fruity yogurts. Also for some reason I decided to stray away from the norm and order a drink I don't normally get. A grande vanilla latte with extra vanilla to drown out the taste of the espresso. It didn't work. Yet again, a beverage that tastes like asphalt. What a great beginning to what will be our longest day of driving.We finally arrive at the "green" building that is actually very gray. It's Will's old roommate Tyler's Prudential building in Arinda. After using the bathroom with the neon key ring and the phenomenally smelling Febreeze spray that I wish I could use as perfume, Will, Dannah, and I hit the road. Next stop Corvallis, Oregon. 

We're drivin' along, drivin' along, driving safely, obeying the rules of the road when all of a sudden we spot this vast field

 of golden yellow flowers. Millions of them. We feel called to pull over and take pictures frolicking in them. So we do. Will is perturbed because he is not very spontaneous but he quickly learns that he needs to learn to cope because Dannah and I might be the most spontaneous people ever created. That might be an exaggeration. Hyperbole if you will. You get the point. We take some sweet hippy pics and hop back on the road.

We see a 7-11 sign and decided to christen our friendship with a tasty treat. We take a self-timed photo 

outside of 7-11 and hop back on the road. As we are about to get back on the highway we spot a cheesehead. Yes, there was a man on the corner of the street holding one of those big 

advertisement signs with a big piece of cheese on his head. And he was talking on his cell phone. Epic.

We get jiggy to TLC's No Scrubs and pull off to visit with another one of Will's old roommates. His name is Jimmy and he goes to a school for people with supernatural gifts. Yes, supernatural gifts. We pull up to this megachurch on a hill and Dannah parks in a spot labeled SENIORS. I tell her she must hobble to the entrance if she is going to pull this off and not get smited by the supernatural powers of this place. We peek in on one of Jimmy's classes in which thousands of students are perched, watching this tiny woman, who appears to be the leader, at the front of the room who is magnified on two big screens to either side of her. Everyone has badges on. It's weird. I feel uncomfortable. So uncomfortable I have to go to the bathroom. Dannah and I hit the ladie's room and by the time we come out Will has bid his farewell and we hit the pavement again.

Next stop Redding. We use Will's sick nasty iPhone to find the closest Subway. Big mistake. Come to find the nearest Subway likes to disguise itself as a Shell gas station. Little did we know we would spend the next 45 minutes waiting for three sandwiches to be made, granted they were footlongs, but still. The sandwich artist was just that, an artist. It was truly fascinating to watch her take 15 minutes to make one sandwich. I'm not sure how her body moved that slow, but it did. At one point she had to go back in the back and cut some more cucumbers for my sandwich. She goes into this walk in refrigerator and comes out with two cucumbers. Then she walks out int

o the store of the gas station and grabs a jug of water. 

She walks back to the back and somehow cuts

the cucumbers with ninja speed and comes back to us with a whole tub full of cucs. I think she must have snorted a line while she was back there because honestly I'm not sure how she cut them that fast considering her slow motion movements from before. Dannah and I spend some time perusing the store while we are waiting. We end up purchasing two neon beanies (slightly too small for our heads, well my head moreso than hers), some aviators, four clif bars (Will insists Carrot cake flavor is the best), and some gummy bears. Finally the crazy lady finishes our sandwiches and we clean all the dirty bug juice off my windshield. We hop back on the 5 reminiscing about small town tweaker gas station attendants and how I'm going to write a book about them one day.

We straight shot from Redding to Corvallis averaging 80-95 mph. I nearly get pulled over entering Eugene. Very nearly. I'm flying into town at about 95 and I come upon what appears to be a rent-a-cop, you know, one of those bubbly blue and yellow cars that looks like a mall security cop, but no, in Eugene they like to throw you off. It's definitely a highway patrolman and he beeps his little horn at me and turns to Dannah, who is in the passenger seat, and yells at her through his window, "SLOW DOWN!" Dannah and I conversed a bit about whether he actually yelled or if he just mouthed the words. She seems to think the emotion in his facial expression could only have come from shouting. Seems preposterous and a waste of vocals considering I was two window panes and about 10 feet away from him. Silly cop. You're no match for me.

We finally make it to Corvallis, home of the OSU Beavers. Driving into town we pass a giant Beaver sign. The artist did a great job of making a tiny cutesy little beaver look downright terrifying and I pose a question to the group. What would it be like to be attacked to death by a beaver? We laugh and add it to the quote log. We make it to my friend David's house. My friend Kyle lives there too. I didn't know how to write that ( my friend's David and Kyle's house, my friend David and Kyle's house, my friends' David and Kyle's house?) Anyway we get to their house and I shower because my body feels like it just got dunked in a Port-a-poddy toilet. Then we all go out to McMenamin's to celebrate the birthday of a boy I don't know. His last name is Nicodemus. We take some pictures, have some drinks, and peace out. 

David, Kyle, Dannah, Will, my girl Megan, and I go to this legitimate beer store where you grab a recycled 6 pack holder and pick out 6 random beers. I'm a girl. I picked out 6 random fruity beers...blueberry, apricot, raspberry (it was called purple haze ha) and some others. We pile back into Megan's car with Dannah sitting on my lap. I make a comment about how the seatbelt must fit around the both of us because there are obese people in the world and car companies have to account for that. Upon arrival at David's Will announces that it's Pi day. Yes, he is a math nerd and it is March 14th aka 3.14 aka pi. So we go to WinCo and get him a pie to celebrate Pi day. I push Dannah in a shopping cart around the store and Kyle throws an apple fritter.

David judo chops it and then Dannah holds it on her head through the checkout. We make it back to David and Kyle's and Dannah falls out of the car onto the pavement. She is not drunk. Not even tipsy. Her sleeve got caught on the door handle and before I could use the mad ninja skills I learned from the Redding tweaker sandwich artist, Dannah had already fallen out and nearly broken her tail bone on the cement.

The night comes to a close with an orchestra performance complete with harmonica, piano, and stand-up bass. Will has a phenomenal voice and sings The Piano Man while playing the piano and the harmonica. Megan is the harmonica holder and David plays the stand-up bass. Kyle attempts to tell riddles and fails miserably but he does successfully teach Megan and I how to play rummy. I challenged him to a dual and he kicked my ass. They call him Mr. Unstoppable for a reason. 

Everyone goes to bed: Kyle in his bed, David and Will spoon on the futon in the living room, and David sacrificed his bed for me, Dannah, and Megan. I slept in the middle. Bad idea. The room was sweltering because David forgot to turn off the heat. I woke up sweating repeatedly throughout the night. Never a good thing. Day 2 of the epic adventure comes to a close.

The Road Trip: Day 1

It all started on a Thursday afternoon, barely afternoon...Thursday March 12, 2009...departure time approximately 12:07:39pm. Obviously I'm partially making that up because I'm not that detail oriented to have actually recorded the time we left, but you get the point. Honestly, the time doesn't even really matter. Anyway, my girl Dannah and I knew we were in for an epic adventure when we hit the road, but we really had no idea how surreal this trip would be. We pull out of my driveway on Thursday afternoon, vastly unprepared for the mayhem to come, with my '04 cloudy blue Corolla loaded down with Wheat Thins, water bottles, a weeks worth of clean underwear, and some pretty sick nasty road trip mixes. We bump some Ashlee Simpson as we climb over the San Marcos Pass. No, I didn't still your boyfriend and our destination numero uno is the University of San Francisco. We make a short pit stop in Santa Maria to visit with our friend Aan-Sofie. We pick up some frozen strawberry lemonades ("they're sweet, but not too crazy sweet" says Aan-So who works at this Starbucks). Dannah orders the beverages and delivers the names "Dannah and Luna". Apparently, I have a new alias. Awesome. After some witty banter with Aan-So and a quick drain of the bladders, we hit the road again. Santa Maria is a pretty peculiar little place. There are random pillars with tiled cows, farmers, and other agricultural tidbits sprinkled around the highway on and offramps. I would consider them a waste of money and space but who am I to judge? I mean, they did catch my attention and provide a bit of amusement. Maybe that was the intention. Well done Santa Maria.

Moving on...Dannah and I play the favorite game in which you just ask "what's your favorite (fill in the blank)." We play this all the way to Paso Robles where we have another poddy break. Dannah decides to mention she has the bladder of a three-yr-old. Awesome. Also, some of her favorites include: the color aquamarine, pigs, Reese's, summer, Honey Bunches of Oats, Runts, and her yoga pants. What a sweet girl. Upon stopping in Paso, I spot a Carl's Jr. A quick aside, Dannah and I officially came to the realization that I have a problem...I like fast food a little too much. It's dirty, I know, but for some reason I really really like it. All this to say, we stop at Carl's to get some of the best chicken soft tacos I think I've ever had. By the way, this was not only a Carl's Jr., wait for it, it has a split personality and doubles as a Green Burrito on nights and weekends. Epic. We hit the road while simultaneously grubbing on some tacos, crisscut fries, chips, beans, and riiice. We're pretty talented.

The next three hour segment of driving includes lots of the either/or game in which we learn that Dannah much prefers blondes over brunettes, hamburgers over hotdogs, Coke over Pepsi, and soft over hard (although the last one depends on the subject :) Life stories were spilled and soaked up and we finally made it to snazzy San Francisco at about 5:30. We're fast drivers. I come to the rapid realization that it's flustering and altogether nearly impossible to drive in SF, especially at 5:30 on a Thursday evening. We find a parking spot on Golden Gate street, apparently our lucky break considering we were able to park directly across from my girl Tiara's school, USF. After killing the engine, Dannah and I decide to take a 20 minute cat nap while waiting for Tiara to get out of class at 6:15. The cat nap quickly turns into a girly picture fest since we realized we hadn't taken any pictures of our trip yet. Dannah texts Chad. Then she texts Elisa. I text Tiara. Tiara calls after class and I tell her I'm on Golden Gate and Anna-po-lis street...which I quickly realize after I've read it that it's Annapolis, the o is not long. Dannah and I have a quick laugh and then Tiara arrives. Gleeful greetings and then we lug our bags up to her dorm room. It's ironic that Dannah graduated from college on this particular Thursday and just happens to be sleeping her last night of college in a dorm room. Epic. After some pointless banter in which I brag to T's dormies about Dannah's redonkulous SAT score (cough...1570/1600...cough...and she was high..cough cough)  we meet up with a bunch of Tiara's crew and after walking around town for a bit searching for someplace still open to eat, we settle on a pizza place. The pizza was bomb but the beer was foul. We decided to drink to Dannah finishing college and I let her choose the beer.

Big mistake. She ordered Sierra Nevada which I had never had. Obviously she was wasted the last time she had it because it tasted like licking asphalt that had been sprinkled with dirty mustache hairs. Imagine it. It was terrible. And we ordered a PITCHER of it. Sick. After dinner there is mass confusion and awkward stifled arguments between friends about where to spend our free time for the evening. There are 10 of us and no one knows what to do or where to go so we sit. Finally we purchase a bottle of Captain Mo (and watch a homeless man get drop kicked out of the store). We chill at the top of Twin Peaks and have a group pee sesh down the side of the mountain. Twas epic. The night ends with playing chick Twister in the lounge of one of the dorms. Side note - the theme of the dorm floor was "The Tundra"...learned about biomes in 5th grade, apparently people are trying to prove biomes are relevant. Or their floor is just really cold?